a mama trying to finish her PhD

nctm and writing

Since my last post, I presented another aspect of my doctoral study at the NCTM Research Presession in Philadelphia. This presentation focused on the types of mathematical problems the students posed. Because this was all a math-y group, I got some very specific feedback which really helped me think about the implications of my study. Some classroom teachers also visited my presentation and gave me some good feedback about assessment of problem posing and inquiry which I have been thinking about. I was also honoured to have Edward Silver visit my presentation and pass on some very kind words. Such an inspiration and a validation of my work.

 

I picked up a few good books in the exhibit hall...it seems there are new books out all the time and you can just never keep up! 

I came back from the conference with renewed enthusiasm and motivation, building on my AERA experience. I'm writing when I can and need to make more time for it. Choices, choices, choices. I need to get something off to my advisor soon and am going to be throwing myself at it over the next few days!

aera poster session

Downtown Vancouver was taking over by the AERA (American Educational Researchers Association) last week. Over 20 000 researchers from across the world attended. I met people from Taiwan, Australia, Africa, Singapore, Japan, Hong Kong and lots of Americans and Canadians too! I attended some great, inspirational sessions as well as some not so good ones. These international conferences always help me to appreciate how fortunate we are in Canada to have the educational system that we do.

Attending many math sessions also made me realize how very different my research is from most others in my field. I presented my doctoral research at a poster presentation on Monday. I've presented papers and at roundtable sessions before at these research conferences but have never done a poster before. It was the perfect format for me at this stage in my work. As I shared my work with the many visitors that came by, I had to really synthesize and share what my work was all about. I also got lots of feedback from different visitors which helped me to think about a few things.

My advisor stopped by near the end of the session and we had a good talk afterwards! I told her about the lovely, older professor who waited amongst the crowd to let me know that she thought my work was the most creative research project she had seen at AERA that year. That really helped me see that there are people out there who will understand and appreciate what I have been doing!

My advisor is my biggest cheerleader and she keeps reminding what a contribution my work will be...but I just need to get the dissertation done!

tough love: making it work

Since I last posted I had my committee meeting which went okay and a meeting with my advisor who for the first time since I have worked with her in this capacity, gave me some tough love. I am behind in my writing and really should just take a few weeks leave from work but haven't been able to bring myself to do that. I feel so torn - commited to my work but wanting to get this writing wrapped up. When I told my advisor I was going away with my family for spring break, she looked at me, and at first I thought she was joking but she said I should stay home, that Neil and the boys should go without me and I should stay home and focus on my writing. She was right of course, it is about making choices but I have always said family comes first (which is why I am in the predicament I am in) through this very selfish process called a PhD.

So I worked hard before we left, did writing on the plane on the way there, wrote and read in the evenings and even took my Nel Noddings reading poolside.

I didn't let it go while we were away (which would have been so easy to do)...I kept at it and will do my best to ramp up the momentum now that we are home.

I have two research conference presentations in April which is also going to help me stay focused...there are presentation dates that are firm deadlines, which always helps me.

I need to just keep pushing myself forward on this, step by step.

physical symptoms

So I think the deadlines and pressure I am imposing on myself (well, FOGS is helping with the pressure) are making my physically ill. Headaches, nausea, sore back, exhaustion, more crying than usual. Or, it could just be old age. I used to be able to work late late late into the night and then spring back in the morning, raring to go again. That's not working for me anymore.

I have a committee meeting on Thursday and although I have been working away as much as I can, chapters 5 and 6 are not done. All done in my head but only partially done on paper. I thought I would have until later in the month so I am trying to give myself a bit of a break but I am so hard on myself and I do not like to let down or disappoint others, which I feel I am doing to my committee.

I also need some sort of super focus tea to take when I do have a few hours to write so that I can block out everything else and just focus on the task at hand. I get so distracted right now with my mind whirring around in too many directions. I feel caught up in what my mom would have called a "vicious circle" - I need to finish these chapters which is making me stressed, and the stress is making me not feel well which then makes me not be able to work on my chapters and also affects the other parts of my life. So right now, I am not doing anything well and feel sick about it.

Trying to end on a bright note, but am struggling to think of one. Tomorrow's a fresh start, I guess.

a little celebration

So I was able to get very beginning drafts of four chapters into my committee today and my progress report was submitted yesterday. I'm going to take the next two days off to celebrate Adam's birthday and get my huge list of "other things to do" done! Then I will be back at and finishing off chapter 5 and then 6 and the data analysis section in Chapter 3. Chapter 5 is mostly done but I just need to get the three case stories looking a little more parallel in format. Very do-able for next weekend. But tonight, I am going to have a little celebration in my head that I managed to get a start on this whole dissertation thing and get over a huge mental hurdle.

I used tagxedo and made a little word cloud of this blog so far. Very telling I think...

Thinking, feeling, family, time, writing, read, students, problems, work, draft...dissertation.

productivity

enough said ;)

being at home and trying to write

In hindsight, I should have taken Rachel's offer to come on over the Island for some weekend retreats to write. Also, in hindsight, I should have maybe booked myself into a hotel room for a few days over the holidays. I love my family but it is very hard to write at home when everyone else is home. The constant interruptions break my flow constantly. And don't get me started on getting a good night's sleep. 

I need to be in my own little bubble right now, not worrying about anyone else's schedules or needs. This is when I start feeling really selfish about this whole thing but I know what I need to do to get done.This is how I work and it works for me...I'll have blinders on for the next few days but I am wise enough now to know that I need both mental and physical breaks. I know it can be confusing to my family, if they see me baking or going out for a walk, they might be wondering why I'm not "working" but for me, I need to do those other things to help me be productive. And if someone dare says, "well you should have done this earlier..." they will regret it. I am feeling the stress a little!

deadline looming

All along I've needed a set deadline. I know this about myself. I need to have a draft into my committee by December 31 and a progress report to UBC by Dec 31 as well. It's changed the holidays for me for sure but is what I needed. I've been floundering around for too long.

Problem is, to get the amount of writing done I need to get done by Dec 31, I am going to have to let go of some of the expectations I have for myself around my writing. This will truly be a draft and there will be lots of work still to be done, with lots of input from my committee. 

But my committee needs something to start reading and responding to. So here we go. It's going to be a busy few days!

what happened to september?

Well, part B of week five didn't really happen. I did pay my fall tuiton fees (hopefully for the last time) and registered once again for a term of dissertation writing. You actually have to keep continuously registered. I've been in this particular "course" for two years now. Ugh. I did a bit of reading and found a great paper in one of the recent AERA journals on motivation which is directly connected to my study although I talk more about engagement.

I knew it would be tricky to fit much of this work into my life in September. For a variety of reasons and the multi-facets of my newish position, I had a lot of extra meetings in September and worked on my days off. Technically, I am only working Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday each week this year which should really help me have some writing time during the week. My part-time schedule wasn't really part-time at all in September and I will have to make sure I am not pulled into the work vortex as much in October and November. I am determined to have a draft into my committee by the end of November. 

This weekend I will be breaking down what I need to do to into parts so that I can reach my goal. There will be lists involved, for sure.

week five: part A

So with a wonderful one week holiday break, I was back at it this week. It was a little hard to get back in the swing of things and I have had some emotional tugs playing with me as well. My parents moved this week after living 49 years in the same community that I do. They are moving far enough away that it won't be convenient to just pop by anymore. My sister and her family in PA are preparing to be hit by Hurricane Irene. I worry. Also, Colin has been expressing feelings of "boredom" and complaining about this summer a bit. The boys have spent far more time at home than they usually do because frankly, I am sitting at the computer or reading for most of the day, every day. 

I am dealing with tremendous feelings of guilt this week. Although I went back and forth on this, I did decide that it was selfish to not finish my dissertation after all that my family has invested in this, but I am feeling really selfish right now for all the time I am taking away from family time to do this. Maybe a better choice would have been to take a leave of absence from my teaching to do this, and at least the boys' days would have been filled with school and sports and I could focus on my work instead of worrying about them. It's nearing the end of the summer now, and what is done is done. I needed this long stretch of time to throw myself back into this work and that mission was accomplished...I can feel the end in sight. I am still going to need lots of time this fall to pull a complete draft of my dissertation together anyways, so might need to take some time off work (who am I kidding, I would feel too guilty about doing that - both to my school and to our family's income).

I emailed my advisor about my feelings and she offered me some thoughts which helped me:

You could feel guilty for not working on your writing. Or guilty for not spending more time with family.  In the end I think it is about trying to keep these acts (and others ) balanced over time. At points there will be concentrated focus on family, at points there will need to be concentrated focus on the writing – but over time your commitments to each can be realized. 

 You have so much to contribute to this very important dissertation work – that could lead you to some very exciting places once the boys have graduated and are seeking their own paths. And I think your concern for family and their needs makes you the ideal person to be focusing on caring relations in classrooms – you live this in your personal life and your professional life.

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I didn't accomplish much of a "to do" list this week and this really wasn't a full week of work for me as there were some other distractions and commitments that were necessary and important to me, so we'll call this part A of week five and next week, I will also mix some of this work in with back to school set up and planning at work and time with the boys.

This week I read two books by John W. Creswell. In hindsight, I wish I had read the book Qualitative Inquiry and Research Design when I was preparing my research proposal. It would have been VERY helpful back then and I felt like I was winging it a bit! I read these two books and typed out several pages of notes from them in order to support my methodology and analysis chapters more. I also ordered Yin's Case Study Research book which I intend to read next week.

So this week and next, I will be striving for some balance and thinking about what is realistic for me to accomplish before the teaching year begins and making sure I spend some significant time with my sons before school starts as well.